Menopause Is the New Puberty (But With Fewer F*cks Given)

So there I was, standing in the grocery store, staring at a shelf of crackers like I’d just been asked to solve a quantum physics equation. Why was I here? I have a gluten allergy. I can't even eat crackers. What was I looking for? Who the hell knows—because my brain had short-circuited, my internal thermostat was set to volcano, and I was one hormone shift away from either crying in the parking lot or fist-fighting a display of soup cans.

Welcome to menopause: puberty’s vengeful older sister, except this time, we know better than to care what anyone thinks.

And the real kicker? No one talks about this.

Perimenopause: Puberty’s Evil Twin

Remember puberty? The acne, the mood swings, the betrayal of your body doing things you did not approve of? Yeah, perimenopause is the same deal, but with 100% less concern about what people think and 100% more rage at the fact that we were not warned.

Here’s the greatest hits playlist:
✅ Hot flashes that make you consider living in a walk-in freezer.
✅ Sleep? What sleep? You’re now nocturnal.
✅ Mood swings that have you feeling Zen one minute and homicidal the next.
✅ Brain fog so intense you forget your own zip code.
✅ Metabolism in full retirement mode.

But let’s talk about the other symptoms. The ones no one warned us about—the ones that made me clutch my pearls (and the wall for balance).

Wait, Menopause Does What Now?!

I finally picked up Dr. Mary Claire Haver’s book, The New Menopause, because I needed to know if I was actually losing my mind or if this hormonal circus was normal. Turns out, it’s normal. Horrifying, but normal.

Did you know menopause can cause:
🌀 Vertigo & Dizziness – Yep, just standing up is now a sport. Inner ear changes can make you feel like you’re on a rollercoaster—except you never bought a ticket.
💀 Joint Pain – Woke up feeling like a 97-year-old? That’s the estrogen depletion telling you good luck, sucker.
💤 Restless Legs & Insomnia – Because what’s more fun than being exhausted and unable to sleep?
😡 Random Fits of Rage – Imagine PMS, but with a complete inability to tolerate BS anymore.

I read all this in The New Menopause, nodded aggressively, and then screamed into the void because…

WHY DID NO ONE TEACH US THIS?!

Let’s get real: Women make up half the population. We will all go through menopause. And yet, the medical field has treated it like an afterthought. There are more studies on dudes losing their hair than on women losing their hormones.

Doctors will happily throw a teenager on birth control for mild cramps, but when a menopausal woman walks in saying, “Hey, I haven’t slept in weeks, my joints feel like they belong to a retired linebacker, and I’m pretty sure I just disassociated during a work meeting,” we get:

🥴 “Have you tried yoga?”
🥴 “Maybe take some vitamin D?”
🥴 “It’s just part of aging, sweetie.”

I. AM. OUTRAGED.

HRT: The Thing That Finally Gave Me My Sanity Back

Last fall, I started bioidentical HRT, and let me tell you—getting my hormones back felt like plugging my soul back into the charger. Suddenly, my brain worked again. The rage dialed down from vengeful goddess to mildly annoyed. The vertigo? Way less frequent. And I actually started to feel like… me again.

And yet, HRT has been demonized for decades because of outdated research that has since been debunked. (Thanks, 2002 WHI study, for scaring an entire generation out of treatment.) Meanwhile, men can walk into a doctor’s office complaining about feeling a little tired, and they’ll walk out with a prescription for testosterone before you can say, “double standard.”

How to Survive This Hormonal Dumpster Fire

1️⃣ Get Educated – Read The New Menopause by Dr. Mary Claire Haver, listen to podcasts, and refuse to accept outdated medical advice.
2️⃣ Find a Doctor Who Actually Knows WTF They’re Talking About – Not all doctors are menopause-literate. If yours shrugs and tells you to “just deal with it,” run.
3️⃣ Advocate for Yourself – You are not “crazy.” You are not “just aging.” You deserve real answers and real solutions.
4️⃣ Sleep Hygiene Is Your New Religion – Magnesium, weighted blankets, white noise—whatever it takes. Because running on two hours of sleep is how people end up on the news.
5️⃣ Speak Up – The more we talk about menopause, the harder it is to ignore. We deserve better research, better education, and better treatment options.

Menopause: The Great Bullsh*t Filter

Here’s the thing: While perimenopause and menopause is a flaming pile of hormonal chaos, it also comes with one major perk—we stop caring about dumb sh*t.

We no longer bend over backward to please people who don’t deserve it. We stop saying “yes” to things that drain us. We finally realize that our time, energy, and sanity are non-negotiable.

So yeah, menopause is basically puberty—but with fewer f*cks given, more credit cards, and way better skincare. And now that I’m finally on the right treatment, I’m ready to start actually living again.

Now, someone hand me a fan, a snack, and a megaphone, because we’ve got work to do.